Are you seen? Do you see?

In the film, Avatar, instead of saying “I love you,” the Navi say “I see you.” The Navi experience and cherish all of life as connected and interwoven, so the statement “I see you,” indicates an intimacy that recognizes and cherishes the individual beyond the collective connection.

Today, I was reading an interview with Barbara Taylor Brown, an Episcopal priest and successful writer on seeing the spiritual in everyday things.  She comments on the meeting of another, a stranger, “The moment I turn that person into a character in my own story, the encounter is over.”

Real intimacy is about being seen in your individuality and your differences and seeing the individuality and differences of the other and it’s about being one of the characters in a story written by the “being of the relationship.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Much of learning about and developing a capacity for intimacy is becoming awake to the failures and absences of intimacy. Shining the light into the shadows and finding the courage to find oneself hiding in the shadows as both a victim and a perpetrator.


I want to give you a framework of four ways of not being seen and what it means to be a character in somebody else’s story or script. Sadly, this often occurs in our childhoods, leaving wounds that distort our intimate adult relationships.

You are not seen except as a character in another's story when you are
idolized
demonized
utilized
marginalized

As a character in the stories of your naive and often well-intentioned parents :

You are the divine child with amazing talents that reflects light on the others sense of self. You are the dark, wild child that needs to be controlled and suppressed in order to living up to the their need for the good child.
You are the dutiful child prematurely burdened with taking on the parent’s tasks, often caring for the parent.
You are the forgotten and lost child living on the margins of the parent’s life rarely seen, understood or held.


Each of us has experienced degrees and mixtures of all four of these. It is so liberating to reflect on these experiences and the self-defining feelings that resulted and to speak the truth of the failures of intimacy you have known, even living through now.

So often we miss out on intimacy because we idolize, demonize, utilize or marginalize our partners or let them see us in one or more of these gestures. I speak with the authority that comes from living, not from theory.  I played the idol, the demon, the servant, the excluded in my childhood and my key intimate relationships and I have done this to my partners - until I realized it - till I saw the framework.

The framework names the failures and in knowing their names we find the possibility of healing, of liberating and of empowering our relationships.  With consciousness, relationships become creative and rewarding for all concerned and engaged.

Now I take the responsibility to celebrate and honor instead of idolize, respect differences and set boundaries instead of demonize, express needs and make requests with gratitude and a sense for the other’s needs instead of utilize, and to pay attention to, include and appreciate deeply the presence of the other instead of marginalize and neglect.

And I know when I am not seen, when I am just a character in another’s story. I can forgive this, work with it, challenge it, end it.   I speak up with compassion and calm courage about my feelings.

You can, too.

I had a great therapist years ago that said “Know it. Catch it. Change it.” It’s true.

Imaging and Creating Intimacy -The Fundamental Schooling in Being in Conscious Relationship is full of the “Know it.” epiphanies. You will leave the course knowing a lot about the twists and turns of intimacy. Then you will need to start catching them and changing them. You can do it.

Intimacy is an art and a science and requires a living creative tension - it is not a magical romance, a gift from the gods to be idolized, then demonized, diminished to merely conviently useful, or pushed to the edges of your life. Intimacy requires energy, focus, imagination, conservation and innovation.

Join the course and bring a more fulfilling, more responsible intimacy to all your relationships. Register here for the webinar.

Though I have taken the intimacy. program before--twice, I think:  once solo

and once with my husband--I am considering registering again.

Though I know the content each time is similar, you always have

something new to think about and work through or to see through

different eyes.  All of my relationships, including my relationship to myself,

benefited from taking a deep inner look at  relationship history

 and how past experience colors the way

we relate in the present--particularly in deeply intimate relationships.

This brought about a beginning point for greater trust, and therefore,

greater capacity for intimacy that is free of demands and 

one-sided expectations.  Marilyn Dixon, Baltimore, Maryland

~~~~~~~~~

I want to clarify some questions about the partnering aspect of the course.  I assign conversation partners among the participants. I pair you up with another participant. You do not need to share the course with your existing intimate partner, best friend or sibling.  I am sorry this wasn’t clear. 

The Sense of Warmth

When you touch something you are thrown back into yourself, but you are accompanied by something of the other - the warmth (or coolness) of the other. I experience myself through touch whether I am touching a rock, the bath water, a book, the keys on my computer, or my grandson’s sweet cheeks.  But I am finding a special knowledge of the object I am touching by its temperature.  I feel something of the object within me by perceiving its degree of warmth.   It seems to permeate me.

This within-ness of the warmth, of the other, is quite a revealing and intimate experience.  Much more intimate than seeing it, because seeing requires separation. The sense of warmth requires the relative absence of separation. 

When your heart and soul experience the warmth of another’s existence, of their thoughts and feelings and intentions, what could be more intimate? You find yourself perceiving their meaning, their purpose, their love, their suffering, even their becoming.  The sensitivity of the soul’s temperature sense is measured by the presence of sympathy, of antipathy and of empathy. How empathic are you? Do you prefer the warmth of sympathy in your perceptions of others? Or do you like the coolness of antipathy.  Do you want to control your inner temperature and avoid intimacy or do you want to risk the rising and lowering of your soul’s interest through the permeation of the other’s truth into your truth? Can you maintain your sense of self when someone else gets under your skin?

The soul’s sense of warm is the threshold between our superficial perception of another human being as an object outside us and the intimate conscious perceptions of what lives within them.  The next four senses are the senses of love. These four ask more of us than the four senses of participation.

I really love this sense of warmth. It’s like the invitation to the surprises and delights of really knowing another.  But it also challenges me with two polar threats.  I can lose myself by melting into the other.  I can meet the chilling shadow of disinterest.  I then must be able to regulate or stabilize my perception of warmth with a soul thermostat.

As you read my thoughts on warmth, do you feel their warmth or do they leave you cool? After I send out any message I will always get a few responses.  Some coolly unsubscribe. It is always nice when the unsubsciber takes the time to warm up the “rejection” with a reason.  And then there are the incredibly warming notes that express how grateful for or inspired the writer is by my thoughts.

Every message I write brings me a whole range of temperatures.  When I begin it’s like diving into chilly waters as I feel somewhat distant from the topic.  Then I start swimming around in the mystery of the topic and start warming up to it.  By the time I hit the “publish” button, I am warm as toast and wish I could write pages more. Sense the warm of everyone you touch.

Intimacy Teleseminar

Intimacy - Finding the Courage and the Compassion to Know and Being Known.

Life is a schooling for intimacy and most of us are flunking out and repeating the introductory courses over and over. Why?

Intimate relationships are a big risk. They ask us to be transparent and vulnerable. They ask us to tell the truth and hear the truth. They ask us to connect with others but from a place of not needing or depending. They ask us to be creative and not conform even to our own fantasies. They ask us to trust and to forgive.

But most of us surround ourselves with a shield of impenetrable defenses. Tell partial-truths and invite partial lies. We connect out of deep neediness seeking to fulfill personal fantasy and conforming to familial and cultural expectations. We are not confident enough in ourselves to truly trust another and unresolved ancient wounds make it impossible to truly forgive new ones.

Yes, it sounds harsh and makes us sad to compare the ideal with the shadowy reality. Focusing on intimacy for four weeks will not be a magic wand turning our capacities for intimacy into happily ever after but it will open a path and take us a step or two closer to something well-worth our struggles.

The Inner Year Intimacy Intensive gently evokes a new consciousness around relationships. Consciousness enlightens like an inner sun. In the light we can find our way. Intimacy is a difficult and challenging journey. It is much easier to stay on the path in the light of insight, confidence and compassion, than in the darkness of unconscious instincts, blind assumptions and selfish expectations.

Most of us find we have little understanding and consequently, little success, at establishing the kind of conscious intimacy that blesses us with real love.
The Inner Year Intimacy Intensive will give you the guidance to change your relationship to intimacy and deepen the intimacy of your relationships.


Intimacy begins with self knowledge. The Inner Year Intensive on Intimacy will offer a chance to question yourself about intimacy.

You will learn to distinguish the four levels of intimacy: physical, energetic, soul and spiritual.

You will begin to know your own particular
anxieties,
patterns and styles,
needs

You will recollect and clarify your history of intimacy. The course supports you in beginning a biographical review of your intimate relationships and their impact on your life. You will create a visual intimacy timeline.

You will learn the difference between attachment and intimacy and discover a rich independence.

You will find encouragement to seek truth through your intimate conversations.

You will learn how essential anger is to forgiveness. (Probably the most liberating and creative content of the course.)


To get the most from this INNER YEAR teleseminar you will need to be willing
to be a little uncomfortable,
to stretch a little beyond your usual limits
to not be afraid of the dark - what is hidden
or the light. - what is revealed
to form and commit to a spiritual practice of self-reflection

Self Reflective Spiritual Practice is spiritual investment of your time and your attention focusing on awakening and maturing your thinking about a particular aspect who you are. This almost always involves reflecting on your past - who you have been, and imagining your future - who you will become, while experiencing freedom in the present moment. Freedom in the present moment allows you to connect to the archetypes of being human and view your past and your future from multiple perspectives. The Inner Year courses help you to experience the archetypes. You develop a coherent picture of yourself that allows you to comprehend, manage and discover meaning in your existence.

Imagine relating to intimacy in freedom.

The Logistics

The Course is a TELESEMINAR. We meet over a conference call.

I am forming two groups for this work. There are only 10 spaces.

The SUNDAY AFTERNOON Group calls begin at 4PM EASTERN.
July 11, 18, 25 and August 1

The THURSDAY EVENING Group calls begin at 8PM EASTERN
July 15, 22, 29 and August 5

Calls are 90 minutes long. Yes that is a long time to be on the phone, but the time goes quickly, the material is rich and the listening profound.

You will be partnered with another participant. Each week you and your partner will schedule a 30-60 minute call when you will work together on the course material and share your struggles and your progress with your work.

You will also have a 20 minute private consultation with me during the last two weeks of the course.

You will receive a recording of each group session. This recording is confidential and is only for your listening. It is very helpful to relisten to the session. Knowing that you will receive the recording, allows you to relax during the actual session and not feel you must remember everything. Relaxation helps with learning.


The Cost is $120. Is your life of intimate relationship worth this investment? You bet! If you are really strapped financially and need a discount, call me at 646-797-9669. I am also willing to do a payment schedule.

You can register for the course by clicking this link.

www.store.lynnjericho.com

where you can pay via credit card or PayPal. You can also pay by check but will still need to register through the link.

Call with any questions: 646-797-9669

Thoughts and Questions on Intimacy

In the course of the Inner Year, the annual cycle of soul development. Where Christmas, at the dark of the year, is the time we focus on our spiritual solitude - the deep interior of our lives, summer, when the sun shines brightest is the time of the Inner Year to focus on our life that reaches into the world and into relationships. We look at our earthly reality as bounded and formed by time and space, well-being and story. This is the time when we study and learn about our capacities for creative intimacy with others, creative contribution to the world and creative balance in our daily lives.

This post looks at intimacy and describes the teleseminar I am offering to help us become more intimate with how intimacy lives in our souls and our gestures in the world.

DEFINING INTIMACY

Intimacy comes from intimus - Latin for inmost.

Intimacy emerges from inmost closeness and knowledge. How willing and capable are you to be close to and to know another, physically, energetically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually? Intimacy is complex. You can be physically intimate, spiritually intimate. Spiritually intimate, but not emotionally intimate. You can be close and not know or be known. You can know or be known at a distance.

What is your ability for intimacy?

Like all things human, intimacy is a two way relationship - we are the object of intimacy and the subject of intimacy. We are born the object of intimacy - our mother is holds us close to her and knows us our every need and our every development. How our mother succeeds in providing us with feelings of intimacy, shapes are capacity for and our gracefulness in intimate relationships. As the subject of intimacy, we feel, think and act intimately in regard to a certain object of our intimacy.

We each make intimate choices. We recognize our needs and desires for intimacy. We resist and reject intimacy. We allow ourselves varying degrees of intimacy as object or subject - I can be close to you, but I will not reveal my inmost reality - so I will limit how much you will know me in spite of our closeness. Paradoxically, how intimate it is to speak the truth of your intimacy boundaries, to acknowledge to another that you need to limit the degree you will allow yourself to be known and close.

You can be closely related, but not intimate. You can hardly be acquainted with someone, yet find moments and brushes of profound intimacy. How have you experienced relationship without intimacy and intimacy without relationship? How have these intimacies caused joy or sorrow in your soul?

Intimacy is about the intersection of relationship with encounter. In encounter there is an adversarial component - a sensitivity to difference and otherness. Through encounter we find a closeness to the other and revelation of difference that is extraordinary in the context of the relationship. With each intimate encounter, the intimacy of the relationship grows. How open are you to intimate encounters? Do you feel unsafe or resistant when confront the difference and otherness in someone? Are you willing to look at your lover or your friend, your child or your colleague, as if they are a stranger and seek to encounter their inmost truth?

Intimacy asks us to gaze at each other. Not look, stare or glance at each other, but gaze! When we gaze we seek to know what is inmost in each other. When did you last gaze at another or experience someone gazing at you? Of course, we can gaze at another in our imaginations. How do you develop your capacity for gazing? How do you develop your ease at being gazed at?

There are measures of intimacy. How frequent are your intimate encounters? How intense are your intimate encounters? How enduring are your intimate encounters?


Like all things living, intimacy evolves and morphs.

Look at your biography of intimacy...
How close were you to…
Did they know you...
Parents?
Siblings?
Grandparents?
Aunts and Uncles and Cousins?
Step-relatives?


Best friends (What is best?)?
True loves (What is true?)?

Do you have an intimate relationship with God and the Spiritual World?
Do you have an intimate relationship with Nature?

How have you known ...
Intimacy welcomed?
Intimacy rejected?
Intimacy evolved?
Intimacy ended?

What are your...
Needs for intimacy?
Strategy for intimacy as subject and object?
Weaknesses as intimate object or intimate subject?

Spiritually, we can meditate on the karma and destiny of intimate encounters and relationships. Where is a relationship (or an aspect of a relationship) an encumberance or an obstacle? When are intimate difficulties and disappointments sources of opportunity and blessing?

Intimate knowledge never forms fixed judgment. It is so much about being truly sensitive, aware, attentive to the evolution of the object of intimacy. Like a mother’s womb to the fetus, or the walnut shell to the walnut, intimacy is a kind of evolving, responsive embrace to the subject.

Questions of Intimacy
a teleseminar

Tuesdays, 7:30PM - 9PM Eastern, 4:30PM - 6PM Pacific
June 23, June 30, July 7, July 14

Join this intimate group on intimacy. Limited to 12 participants.
We will reveal our stories and find our questions of intimacy. We will intimately listen to and be inspired by the stories and questions of 11 other people. We will be open, truthful, vulnerable. We will not try to fix, correct or heal. The group is a learning group, a liberating group, a questioning group. The reverence for each other will protect what is shared. The wonder at each other will nurture heart-confident disclosure and insight.

Do you seek to have more intimacy in your life?
Do you have too much intimacy in your life?
Do you desire more consciousness in your intimate relationships?
Do you desire more balance in your intimate relationships?
Can you express yourself intimately?
Can you contain yourself?
Does intimacy over stimulate you?
Do you withdraw and self-inhibit when faced with intimate encounter?

What inmost questions appear in your soul when you answer these questions?

The Questions of Intimacy teleseminar will not awaken all your questions and solve the intimate mysteries of your relationships, but it will help you articulate a few questions - enough questions to support your inner development over the Inner Year so that next summer you will be ready to become more intimate with your inmost questions of self and other.

You will need to plan on 30-60 minutes of "homework" and also be willing to have a phone conversation with another participant to work with your thoughts on "Questions of Intimacy."

Register here.

To pay by check, please mail it to Lynn Jericho, 132 Hillside Avenue, Chatham, NJ 07928 and send me an email immediately so I can include you in the seminar.

Questions? Or if you do not live in the US. please email me or call.